Jim Colburn
Don't Ask

Postcards From Waco

Dear Jackie,
I can't help feeling that taking this wire service job is the best thing I've ever done. The phrase "it's not just a job, it's an adventure" isn't just an Army slogan any more. The people here are great. At yesterday's photographers meeting the chief told me that he was going to let me cover the President next month, even though I've only been here a week. One of the older guys said, "Sure, let the new guy do it" and everyone agreed. It's gong to be an exciting month because not only so I get to cover the President Of The United States (or POTUS as we call him) but I get to go with him on a trip to his ranch in Texas! I'm told that his ranch is in the Texas Hill Country and that August is probably the best month to be there. It'll be good to get out of Washington for a while because it can get really hot here in the summer. I'll write to you again later.

Dear Jackie,
Today I got to fly on Air Force One. It was a little smaller than I thought it would be and the food wasn't quite as nice as I thought it would be but the important thing is I got to fly on Air Force One. I checked in early and asked one of the flight crew if I could have a look at the Presidential escape pod (all the guys at work told me about it) but he told me that it was "top secret." One of the other crewmen must have told him a really funny joke when he went back to the galley because the three of them laughed until they were almost in tears. Now you know I don't smoke but I did manage to take a few of the matchbooks with the Air Force One logo on them. They might come in handy and look very impressive. I'll write to you soon.

Dear Jackie,
We went with the President to his ranch in Crawford, Texas. I didn't actually get to go on to the ranch because the President's on vacation. I'm sure we'll see him tomorrow when he goes jogging. We're staying at a motel in Waco, Texas, which is about 30 miles from the ranch. I don't have to rent a car because the White House has vans that can take us anywhere we want to go. Waco's kind of interesting. It's the home of Dr. Pepper and the Snickers bar and there's even a Dr. Pepper museum! I'm going to go and see it when we get a free day.

Dear Jackie,
They got us up early today. We had to be up and ready at 4:30 in the morning for a trip to the ranch. This is something they call "protective coverage" and the other photographers tell me that it's very important. We were at the ranch by five o'clock. The Secret Service agent told me that the President was going to go running but he must have gone out the ranch's other gate because we didn't actually see him run. I'm glad that the vans they use have good air conditioning because it started getting warm at around 8:00AM.

Dear Jackie,
I have got to remember to buy myself a good paperback book when we get back to Waco tonight. So far we've spent all day, every day, sitting in a van at the entrance to the President's ranch. The van's air conditioning is still working but with all the seats filled with members of the press it seems a little crowded. I had to move from the front seat to the back because on of the writers kept putting his arm around my shoulders and rubbing my back. I didn't think much about it until he asked me if he could show me the nightlife in Waco. Believe me Jackie, there is no nightlife in Waco.

Dear Jackie,
Everyone in Waco drinks Dr. Pepper. They drink it cold. They drink it hot. They mix it with rum. Some people even wash their hair in it because they think it makes it more manageable. If I have to taste Dr. Pepper one more time I think I'm going to vomit. Same for the Snickers bars that everyone seems to eat all the time. I've seen people eat Snickers like a cigarette smoker chain-smokes Winstons. Everyone here has the breath of an elephant and complains about being constipated. Well duh! Snickers bar! Peanuts!

Dear Jackie,
Another 4:30AM pool call. Another day sitting on my butt in a van. We can't even run the air conditioner all the time because the President has ordered all Federal employees to conserve energy. The van driver is taking this very seriously and will only run the air conditioner for 30 minutes every hour. It's been getting up to 130 degrees during the day here! We've started taking bets on which of the roadside animals will spontaneously combust. I've seen a prairie dog and what I think was an armadillo burst into flames while they were trying to cross the road. One of the local bartenders in Waco has invented a drink called the Bourbon-and-Branch Davidian. It's served in a square glass and you light it before serving.

Dear Jackie,
We finally got to see the President. We got into our vans at 4:30 this morning, drove out to the ranch and then waited around for a few hours until it go good and hot. They we were driven on to the ranch so we could take pictures of POTUS chopping wood and clearing brush. The only problem was that I'd forgotten to charge the batteries in my brand new digital cameras so neither of them worked. The only thing I had with me was an old Leica loaded with black & white film. I can't tell you how angry they were back in Washington when they heard that. I didn't have any way to develop the film and nobody in town processes black & white film any more, so I had to get a cab to take me to the airport so I could put my one roll of Tri-X on a plane bound for Washington. It won't get there until late tonight but at least they'll have something.

Dear Jackie,
The lab screwed up. Really. That roll of black & white film made it to Washington okay but the lab technician ruined the film. Evidently the guy had never seen a roll of Tri-X before so he put it in a batch of old color chemicals and it came out blank. I've been begging the White House staffers to let me do some other pictures of the President but nothing's happened. They've "taken my request under advisement" and will "get back to me as soon as possible" but so far nothing.

Dear Jackie,
What I thought was a small trailer park at the gate to the President's ranch turns out to be some doublewide trailers where his staff is living while he's at the ranch. There is a pile of what has to be 400-500 beer bottles just sitting in a pile behind one of them. We've heard that they're going to get naked and dance around a bonfire the night before we leave the ranch "to celebrate."

Dear Jackie,
We're going to be leaving in a few days and heading back to Washington. I've already been told that my job is in jeopardy because of the black & white film thing and quite frankly I Don't Care! I've been trapped in a living hell-on-earth for almost a month and if I never see the Texas Hill Country again it'll be too soon. And by the way, there are no hills in this "Texas Hill Country," unless they're talking about the 8-foot tall dirt mounds that all the fire ants live in. How anyone can live in this God-forsaken wilderness is beyond me.

Dear Jackie,
We leave tomorrow and it's not a moment too soon. I've sat on my ass for almost 30 days in a van that could have been used as an oven. I've learned that chicken-fried steak contains no chicken, in fact I've seen things fried in oil that I won't even tell you about. The staffers had their bonfire last night and it got a little out of hand. A little? They wound up torching the trailers. We got there at 5:00AM like we do every damn day to find a bunch of 20-somethings sitting by the side of the road with very little on and scorch marks down their backs. Some of them had daubed charcoal on their faces and a few had shaved their heads. I took some pictures of them and they'll probably the only thing I've shot this month that will have an ice-cube's-chance-in-hell of winning anything in next year's Picture Of The Year contest.

Dear Jackie,
We got back last night and I found out that I'd been fired. I'm going to be moving back home in a couple of days, assuming, of course, that I can get my car out of the impound lot that the DC police put it in. My landlord is refusing to give me back my security deposit because the air conditioner that I left running at the apartment caught fire and ruined the bedroom. When we got to the airport in Waco they had to spend an hour or more sweeping dead crickets from around the plane before we could take off. It's a "Texas summer thing" those crickets. On the trip back we saw that old movie "Fargo" and everyone but me knew EVERY word in the script. It was like being at a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. People were jumping up and throwing imaginary bodies into imaginary wood chippers.

I can't take any more. I'm coming home.

Jim Colburn
Contributing Writer
james.colburn@pressroom.com



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