I'm tired of watching the war and I doubt Osama Bin Laden is anywhere near Afghanistan. Would you want to be in a cave where your phone doesn't work? I hear Mayor Guiliani, who beat out Bin Laden as Person of the Year, say he'd like to retire to Staten Island. While he speaks I repaint my toes and wonder whether high school Defensive Driving is the same as Drivers Ed, and try to figure why they teach that course after school, when no one enrolled can drive home?
My war assignments as a stay-near-home Mom have been interviews with victims' families and bioterrorism experts. I've lost interest in homeland security, except to wonder whether Tom Ridge is bunking up with Dick Cheney, neither make the rounds any more.
Aren't the Olympics coming? I pull an assignment about security measures for the Games.
I pick up a weekend gig in Roswell. UFO's are not completely overshadowed by the war, I assume.
I want to be a good American. I want television to get back to normal. I want to produce stories from the Southwest. I live my life as modeled by Mayor Guiliani and get on planes. I'm inspected at security checkpoints for bologna in the soles of my shoes.
I switch the channel from Ashleigh to Oprah. Oprah does an entire show on relationships. I watch. She runs inspirational pieces on immigrants. I turn off the television and bake a pie. We bring the pie to my neighbor's Encore Presentation of Christmas dinner on the 26th. We talk about airport security and job security and watch a rerun of Northern Exposure.
In Illinois, a classic television story breaks. "Why did they take my baby?" Viewers love this story. It's a very popular plot as a movie-of-the-week or as tv news. Fortunately for the toddler and her Mom, we get the version with a happy ending.
On New Year's Day I wish for a story out here that will make national news. Maybe we'll see the runner-up contender for Person of the Year:
UFO LANDS IN NEW MEXICO: BIN LADEN DUMPED AFTER ALIEN PROBE