I've Learned From The Movies and TV
Having recently seen the movies "Harrison's
Flowers" and "War Stories" I felt the need to sum up
a few truths that I've learned from watching photographers on the big
(and little) screen:
1) All photographers wear khaki vests. All of the time. Photographers
never put anything in the pockets of their khaki vests.
2) Photographers never take just one photo. They always take three or
four, even when photographing a static object or person.
3) Photographers only need one lens. Sometimes it'll look like a 50mm
lens, sometimes it'll look like a 28-70mm zoom lens but it will always
have the capability of zooming from 20mm to 5000mm.
4) This miracle lens (see #3) is probably an F/1 or better. It also
has night-vision capability. COLOR night vision capability. The lens
has an advanced image stabilization system and is easily hand-holdable
up to it's maximum focal length of 5000mm. In the dark.
5) Each roll of film contains 1200 exposures but is easily re-wound
in 3-4 seconds.
6) Photographers never carry camera bags. They don't really need to
since each roll of film has 1200 exposures and they only need to carry
one lens and one camera body.
7) Half of all camera motor drives sound like a 1980's-era Canon A2
Power Winder. The other half sound like a 1980's-era Canon Motor Drive
8) Cameras never break, even if dropped from a great height. If a photographer
falls or tumbles down a hill or into a ravine no damage will occur to
any camera, even if the photographer lands with his or her full weight
and pushes the camera into the mud.
9) There are ravines everywhere and they are photographer magnets.
10) Lenses never need cleaning.
11) Photographers rarely, if ever, need passports or visas. They are
always able to get on a flight within an hour to anywhere in the world.
Direct. Photographers are always seated in First Class and have no checked
12) Every car rental facility in the world has many four wheel drive
Jeeps or Land Rovers available and they are all reserved for photographers.
They are special vehicles that never need gas. They are also bulletproof.
In the event that the vehicle is stolen, damaged or destroyed the car
rental company will waive any claims. Credits cards have an infinite
limit and are accepted everywhere in the world.
13) It is perfectly okay to use a flash when photographing a hearing
at the US Senate or House of Representatives. Be sure to tell this to
the nice man from the US Capitol Police as he hauls your ass out of
the room, confiscates your press pass and escorts you out of the building.
14) It is also okay to use a flash during Presidential news conferences
and briefings. Be sure to tell this to the nice man from the US Secret
Service as he hauls your ass out of the room, confiscates your press
pass and escorts you out of the White House.
15) All male photographers are babe magnets no matter how ugly, dirty,
sweaty or foul-mouthed they may be. All of the women attracted to male
photographers are beautiful. If something happens to "their"
photographer they will leave their jobs and their families to find and
16) All female photographers are beautiful. They are always beautifully
but subtly made up and their make up never runs or streaks. Their hair
never, ever, gets messed up. All of the men attracted to female photographers
are handsome. They will seriously injure anyone threatening or injuring
"their" photographer. They all want to get married and have
17) Every laptop has a built-in satellite phone with instant high-speed
Internet access and picture transmission capabilities. These laptops
have built-in C41 processing machines and ultra high-resolution film
scanners. These laptops fold up to the size of a deck of cards and fit
neatly into one of the pockets of the photographers' khaki vest.
17) If a photographer is killed his friends may mourn him or her for
as much as 30 seconds but none of them will think to take the dead photographer's
last rolls of film with them so that the dead photographer's death might
not have been in vain....
© James Colburn