Duck, Tape March 2003 by Amy Bowers

Production houses call them Expendables. Stuff you use up. Whether you're "in the region" for the war or you work here in the homeland, you need the right expendables.

Duct Tape. Nobody in tv or motion pictures uses hardware store duct tape. The sticky side is too sticky and the backing is too stretchy. You can't tear it without using your teeth and it's shiny. Get a roll of PERMACEL® Gaffer's tape from the next crew you work with. It's cloth tape that costs four times as much as duct tape. Use it to mark your crew car, flak vest, or camera position with a giant letters that spell out "T V" or "DIO MIO." Depend on it as a repair tool or shipping label. Still wondering, what's a Gaffer? (and who's the Best Boy?) If don't know by now, don't mess with it. Move to France.

Mark everything with SHARPIE® brand markers. They are waterproof and have a great writing point. Nobody in tv or motion picture uses Magic Markers® to ink their blood type on either the T or the V.

Canned Air! Dust-Off® compressed gas is great for removing dust and water droplets from cameras lenses. Everyone in motion picture uses it to clean the gate of the Panaflex. In the war zone, a can of air may come in handy if it gets muggy inside your chem suit.

Control Tops? Word is out among network Guy Pukes that Control Top Pantyhose are the best undergarments for battle. I think they should rethink this. It's true, when you go from overnight lows in the 30's to daytime highs in the 80's or 90's, nylons and spandex are better than longjohns. But Control Tops are a beginner's mistake. Nobody in tv or motion picture wears control tops. Maybe light control low-rise hosiery that lets your skin breathe so legs feel fabulous. Fishnets are great; I've heard that Tom Ridge favors them. But even with a soft and unrestricting waistband, pantyhose can't compete with thigh highs. Real tv pukes embed in Glamour Sheers® lace-tops, silky black with romance red bands that stay dry under attack. They come in Sizes A-D. Honey, buy D.

Plastic: Yes, I used Gaffer tape and clear plastic to seal my windows. But that was in my trailer in New Mexico. Unless Al Qaeda attacks the rodeo in Red Rock, you can probably remove your plastic this spring, and save the Saran® for sandwiches. And that, as they say in tv and motion pictures, is a wrap.

How much is inside a can of Dust Off?

The opinions in this column are my own and do not reflect the opinions of my employer.

© Amy Bowers
Contributing Editor
www.amybowers.tv
amy@marash.tv