Selling Your Ugly Self: Knock ‘em Screwy
By Andrew Laker
Photojournalist
Oklahoma City 
 
(Andrew Laker has been unemployed for so long, he now tells people he is "self employed.")
 
Forget everything you know about looking for a job. Pitch all your job-seeking resource books, set them on fire and dance on the couch like a damn idiot. These books don’t apply to photojournalists. At least that’s the way it seems.

Take a trip to your local book hut some day and swing down the aisle with all the publications about "Knock em’ Dead" interviewing, "201 Killer Cover Letters," and "Resumes for Appalachian Banjo-Pickin’ Inbreds." Shoot, go ahead and buy one of these texts if you take a notion to it. Better yet, I’ll sell you any of mine at a ridiculous discounted price. Wait. Scratch that. I just remembered I set them on fire yesterday before dancing on the couch like a damn idiot.

So why, you might ask, am I so biased against these seemingly helpful books? If you want to know the truth, I’m really not. I’ve learned a lot from them in fact. But here’s the rub: The nuggets of wisdom they offer are worthless if potential employers aren’t aware of the same nuggets. It’s a bit like playing a game – we’ll say baseball – where only one team knows the rules. Example:  You, the job seeker, wind up and pitch a slider across the plate; the batter, a potential employer, throws his helmet at the batboy and jogs in clockwise circles out to left field screaming "I’m a pretty peculiar polygamist Pope!" It’s an alliterative grand slam and the fans go wild.
 
Now, it’s obvious the batter didn’t know the rules. Right? Unfortunately, the batter knew the rules exactly, only he was playing a different game – we’ll call it "Screwball" – which was the game YOU should have been playing. Not baseball. And what’s worse, it’s YOU who didn’t know the rules (you were supposed to do ten somersaults and eat a handful of dirt before he could pee on the outfield fence). For the sake of no reason in particular, let’s narrow the subject of job seeking down to the interview process.
 
Here is a fact: Interviewers are often as nervous as you are, and many of them stink at it. It doesn’t matter if you know all the right answers if the interviewer isn’t asking the right questions. It sounds odd, but sometimes employers forget the purpose of the interview. So, they make their own rules and play their own games. The question is this: How do you know which game they’re going to play? Well, you can’t know. However, you CAN be prepared… sometimes.
 
THE LO SIENTO GAME: "Sorry to Waste Your Time"
 
Interviewer - "Hi. Glad to meet you. We pay jack, and this company bites big time. Now, tell me why you’d like to work for the Daily Republican-Democrat-Independent because, crippled Christ, I’d really like to know."
 
I’ve had this interview, and it’s over before it starts. One of the first rules of the game I was trained to play is to never discuss money until a job offer is made. But it was instantly apparent this interviewer was on his way into left field to take a piss. His first topic was what the position paid, that the pay was non-negotiable, and that he was very sorry if he had wasted my time. Honestly, I wanted to reach back like a pimp and slap him. But, since I had just driven a long way and really needed a job, I decided to see if it was possible to impress him enough to raise the price tag above that of a filling station attendant’s salary. That was a mistake, because he then spent fifteen minutes telling me why his newspaper company was awful. "We ain’t even got no free bag o’ Funyuns with a full tank deal."
 
I interrupted him and asked if he could tell me something GOOD about the company. He struggled to find something, and his end reply was some kind of crap about how low the cost of living was in this town. "Sheeyut, we’s all got purdy refrigerator boxes under yon overpass an’ it’s all the chicken necks and Styrofoam you can eat." Bet you didn’t know Snuffy Smith held a management position, did you?
 
Playing this Game:  Normally, if the interviewer is conducting a bad interview, you should take control of it yourself. Make the conversation go in your direction and trick him into asking you the questions for which you have killer answers. However, this is not that type of interview. The best advice is to just get up and walk out. Give ‘em the finger if you feel like it, but don’t waste your time. You need a job. This isn’t the place, and sorry doesn’t cut it. It’s breaking the rules, but if your intuition tells you the paper isn’t going to meet your expectations, be blunt and ask how much the position pays. Do it right over the phone. Otherwise, you might end up with some noodle head apologizing for wasting your gas money.
 
THE HIGH APPLE PIE IN THE SKY GAME: "Getting Your Hopes Up"
 
Interviewer – "The truth is, Your Name, there are a lot of applicants, and I don’t want you to get your hopes up." Or something to that effect.
 
Had it. Had it. Had it. You are doomed. This is a nice way of saying, "I like ya, kid, but not a chance in hell," or "I just don’t have the gumption to tell you ‘no,’ so I’m going to lead you on and pray you fade away." If an interviewer tells you he doesn’t want to get your hopes up, don’t waste any time following up later. Out of the apple pie interviews I’ve had, the worst had to be the one in which the photo editor, after I placed a follow-up phone call to him, told me he hadn’t made a decision yet and to call him again in a week. Now, I’m not one to be persistent to the point of being a burden, but it was his request and I played along. This went on for five weeks straight until one day, seemingly out of nowhere, he told me the position had been filled. Then he told me to call him back in another week… Poor bastard must have been lonely or something.
 
Playing this Game:  I’m sorry if you’ve had to play this one, and I’m sorry if you ever have to in the future. It seems this is the way a lot of interviewers prefer to deal with people any more. If you’re the long shot in this race, and you’re not going to win, why can’t THEY say as much? Don’t get your hopes up? No. Hope is all that’s left for this interview. However, these kind of interviews can serve as good practice. You have nothing to lose here, so really pile it on thick and hone your job-seeking skills by watching the interviewer’s reaction. "I can pick my nose with my big toe, see?" You probably won’t get the job, but you might get a reference if he likes you (or is awfully impressed by your flexibility). After all, even if the employer doesn’t want to get your hopes up, there has to be a reason you’re sitting in his office. Be intrepid. Pick that nose.
 
THE GEOGRAPHY GAME: "You’re Close"
 
Interviewer - "We thought we’d have you come in seeing as how you’re so close."
 
This is how an employer says, "We are cheap S.O.B.s unwilling to fly in candidates for interviews, so we guess you’ll do." Okay, not always. Your chances for getting the job are definitely good here, but be prepared for a low offer. If a newspaper is not going to spend money in its search for the right investment (employee), it might not have much stowed under the mattress for salary either. Nevertheless, this is how a lot of photojournalists get their foot in the door. But beware this animal when you have experience. It is sometimes a step sideways rather than a step forward. But you may get lucky and land a gem. Flying in people like Carmen San Diego is a pain in the ass for even the largest papers, and many prefer someone familiar with the area and the people.
 
Playing this Game:  Mostly for ages 25 and under. Because "you’re so close," you’re bound to know a lot of the same people and places. That makes an interviewer comfortable. Networking is key. However, you won’t be sure if the interviewer is seeing you because he is impressed with your skills or if it’s simply out of time and cost convenience. You’ll eventually find out – you’ll either get the job and be happy, they’ll hire someone they like better, or they’ll go with someone much younger with much less experience and pay little money. My "close" interview experiences typically have resulted in the latter, but you never know when this game will pay off. I’ve recently had two geography-based interviews where the employers are looking for an experienced professional. The fact I’m close makes me a more attractive candidate than those experienced professionals out of state (but if they ever see this article, well, my chances might go down a smidge).
 
There are a number of other games interviewers play, but these are three of the most basic. Other strange games include "Smell Our Feet – The Gang Interview" game, the "Pull My Finger" game and the "Let’s Test Your Photography Skills Right Now Dammit" game. I must admit, though, some poor interviews I’ve had have been no one’s fault but my own.  The most important tool to take with you, whatever the adventure, is your confidence. My father, who dabbles in sales, says he can’t and won’t sell anything he doesn’t believe in. That wisdom applies to job seeking as well, for in order to sell your ugly self, you first have to believe in your product. And when you finally make that big sale, for me, I want you to pitch all your job-seeking resource books, set them on fire and dance on the couch like a damn idiot. Just be careful not to burn down the rest of the trailer park.
 
Andrew Laker

ajlaker@yahoo.com